I don't know.

2 and a half months into 2016. Almost 4 months since my last day as a school student ( but it could change though... I don't know).


Truth be told, I don't know what to make of myself and my life right now.

There's times where I feel like my life is the best that it has been; I'm doing my passions, I have friends, I feel like I'm... me.

But there are also times where these exact things also make me feel otherwise;

I can't ACTUALLY study in the fields I wanted the way I wanted.

My friends, the ones I can actually stand, are all at least 150 miles away. And I can count their amount with the fingers on my hand.

I feel like there's something missing, making me feel unsure of myself, which makes want to just put my life on hold for a couple of years to find it and improve myself all at the same time.

But I don't think that will happen, though.


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Mostly, my recent life is comprised of looking towards the times ahead, where I hope to get out of this cesspool. ( If you count 33 months as recent, of course)

33 months ago, I was looking forward to for a chance of... being different.

16 months ago, I was looking forward to exact same thing yet again.

6 months ago, I was celebrating my 18th birthday by eating dry crackers, looking forward to get out the crappy dorm and school life. And looking forward to the exact same thing. All at the same time.

I still do today.




I don't know why am I still doing this, honestly.

I don't know why am I willing to put up with everything that I've been through.

I don't know why do I still want all of this.

I don't know why am I so sure of myself and yet so unsure at the same time.


Truth be told, I don't know why don't I know.

And that scares me all to all hell.